Rivers in the Desert

I’ll be honest. I am scared. And that’s okay — a little fear is suitable for an adrenaline spike now and then. 

I have been on extended sabbatical leave since early September for my health, well-being, and restoration post-divorce. This week will be four months. Tomorrow morning, I will be assessed by Foursquare’s mental health professional for a tentative reassimilation to ministry and leadership at Destiny. 

With the day looming, I have questions and doubt trying to surface at every corner. 

I want to ask, “What if I can’t do this alone?”
To which I respond, “I am not alone.” 
I know that God is always with me.
But even beyond that, close friends, pastors, and family have carried me.
They have shown me authentically that they are committed to lifting me up when I don’t have legs to stand on. 
I. am. not. alone. 

I want to ask, “What if I am scared?”
To which I say, “Yeah. There are a lot of unknowns.
But you serve a God who holds all of time in His hands.” 
With every new challenge comes another opportunity for God to show up.
I will be bold and courageous.
I. will. not. fear. 

I want to ask, “What if I am not enough?”
Not good enough. 
Anointed enough. 
Talented enough. 
Funny enough.
Bold enough.
Not enough…
To which I say, “My God is a God of more than enough.” 
Let’s try not to do this in our own strength. 
Because I will always find areas in my life where I am not enough. 
But that doesn’t matter.
He. is. more. than. enough. 

I want to ask, “What if I am too weak?”
To which I respond, “He is strong when I am weak.”
I know it. 
Please help me to live as if I know it. 
I am asking for boldness without regret.
I want to pray prayers emboldened by Holy Spirit
To take new ground from the enemy.
To go where I have never been.
To love more people in our city.
To release songs of revival.
I have not because I ask not. 
Do exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ever dream.
I can’t do it in my strength.
He. is. my. strength. 

I want to ask, “What about all I have lost?”
To which I respond, “What about all that you have yet to gain?”
I have a life verse: John 10:10.
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. 
I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”
Some translate it “…to the full.” 
That’s the kind of life that I want to live —
One that is abundant and full.
I am holding on to that promise. 
He. gives. me. abundant. life. 

So, yes. I have some fears. 
Some of what I have yet to face seems daunting.
The pressure to “come back whole” seems unfair.
Some even think I will be a better version of myself. 
I hope so, but please give me lots of grace. 
I need it just like you.

Though I may have doubted my ability and calling — 
Especially in times of weakness,
I have never doubted my sonship.
He. is. my. Father. 
My. joy. 
My. hope.
My. peace. 

In. Him. I. am. whole. 

“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”

Isaiah 43:19 ESV